Kelly Begins

The Friday three Fridays ago was momentous. The new Smith St Band record came out and it’s a banger. The new K.Flay record came out and it’s a banger. And I got a phonecall I’ve been waiting for technically since the Friday before, but more realistically since getting back from the dream trip around the US that I took three years ago when I realised there’s a world out there and it didn’t matter how much I tried to hide from it, the only one who was missing out was me.

So it’s Harbour bound to live poor, get in over my head, and swim for my life.

Lying to yourself just feels bad. Trying to fit in somewhere you clearly don’t belong. Trying to have conversations about things you’ve no interest in. Trying to maintain integrity, be polite, have human interaction. And then when you ‘get the hell out of this town, find some conversation’ because you’re not one for settling, you live twice as hard when you have the chance, to make up for the fact your pulse barely raises above neutral the rest of the time.

“Who can blame you?” said my best friend. “You need to get out.”

It’s just decisions take such a long time when you’ve got to go via denial, then acceptance, then an action plan, then actually go for it. And you can’t be ready until you’re ready. Well, some people can be, but I’ve always resisted what’s good for me. And then you have to back yourself. Go through with it. Step into the unknown.

It’s exhilarating.

I feel like other people figured it out long ago, that you have to back yourself, and we can’t all be in this together. I’m supportive by nature, and it screws me over, although I wouldn’t change it. Seeing the best in people means I get to see the best in people. Forgiving them hard means I get to love them hard. Second chances mean we both get a second chance. And new beginnings? I get to start another chapter of my journey.

Today I gave the news that I’ve been waiting to give since three Fridays ago. And in that time I returned to the beach that is everything I am; I remembered who my friends are, and who they’re not; and I started putting my new plans into action. I’m taking a risk and backing myself. Here’s to it, and to the best of me, which is still to come. And to a really good view in the coolest place in the city. And to a corporate wardrobe. And to life finally beginning.

You can say you knew me then. But that was before I’d begun.

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